When people drink beer and alcohol excessively, they often report such phenomena as time travel or the curious inability to remember things that had occurred. This seems to be happening more and more frequently, and in order to assist the general public I have devised a strategy that works with a very high level of accuracy. Simply, based on the type of beer you are handed, no matter how wasted you may be, you will be able to figure out where it is that you are. Call it a GPS system for the party animal, call it the next best thing since sliced bread, all I know is that this list is fool-proof. So let's start.

If someone hands you a Budweiser of a Rolling Rock:
You're in luck, because being handed one of these beers at college would only occur when surrounded by a good group of friends. You are most definitely in good company when it comes to these beers. Drinking any beer out of a glass bottle while in college should be seen as a benefit and a privilege and this is never more true than with Bud or The Rock.



If someone hands you a Colt 45 or Steel Reserve:
Beware of your surroundings because you have just entered the "Hood." It is unimportant as to how you may have gotten there, what is of utmost importance, however, is making sure you ask for another 40 and chugging it down. This will give you street "cred" amongst the gang of thugs you have stumbled upon.



If someone hands you a Pabst:
Do not worry about rain for you are most definitely drinking this Pabst indoors. You're probably in some rundown bar that if you saw it while sober would make you puke instantaneously. There is little to no air conditioning, so the place is packed and is hot as hell. At this fine institution, Pabst is one of their most popular drink specials and they sell it for anywhere between $1 and $2, depending on the night. What a steal!

The Fraternity Series: Pay attention because Fraternities tend to throw a lot of parties over a college life span, and knowing what type of beer is handed to you at a Frat Party will give you clues as to how cool that Fraternity is.

If someone hands you a Red Dog:
Welcome to Dirty-Fratsville. Red Dog is the cheapest and most piss-resembling of all beers. I think the Red Dog organization recommends that people drink their beer while it is warm, because in the life of Red Dog's company, they have never had a beer that is cool to the touch. The Frat that you have just entered is disgusting and the people there are most likely lame also. Once people start getting the picture that all this party has is Red Dog, they will start clearing out. Mmmm, more Red Dog for me!

If someone hands you a Coors or Keystone:
Ah, you've found a pretty solid party at typical-Frat-USA. This is most definitely the beverage of choice used for mass consumption at any Fraternity. Whether its from a keg or a can, Fraternities love to distribute these products to the world so that they can host killer parties with sick themes. There's probably a dance floor and the party's bumping with lots of people. Enjoy this one.



If someone hands you a Sam Adams:
Abort! You are in a LAME Frat, get out immediately. There is no reason for any Frat to distribute Sam Adams to their guests. Samuel Adams is home to one of the most expensive beers in the world and all a Frat is interested in is quantity, certainly not quality. These guys are probably trying a little too hard to make friends, which ultimately backfires on them due to their ill beer serving decisions. Just slip out the back and no one will know any better.

If someone hands you a Natural Light:
Error...Error...In the event that you are handed a Natural Light, this system becomes flawed. The prevalence of Natural Light on college campuses is almost impossible to wrap the human brain around it. You could be anywhere. Being handed this beer does not give any clues as to what environment you are in, what type of people are around you, or if you should stay or leave. Use your best judgment in these situations, but seeming though you're hammered, just take the beer and drink it.

So there you have it, The GPS System for the Intoxicated.

This post was originally written by The College Answers
University of Michigan · Organizational Studies · 15 Aug 2007