Ever wonder about what the future may hold or bring? If you're like 99.9% of all other humans, you've probably given your future or the future in general a thought or two over your journey on the planet. Due to the fact that not knowing what the future holds causes human beings a great deal of distress, we have masterfully constructed and dreamed up methods that will help put us at ease. The fact of the matter is that most of these methods are complete bullshit when you think about it. So, The College Answers presents its view on The Most Illegitimate Predictors of The Future.

Leading things off we have, Astrology/Zodiac Signs. Let's think about this rationally for just a second. Based on the location of the stars in the night sky, which is just light emitted from millions of Light Years away, we extrapolate various things about our lives and how events will unfold. If this isn't the most illegitimate thing I've ever heard, I don't know what is. Astrology is a very old science, used from over 2200 years ago, and for some reason we still incorporate this mysticism into our lives. I think the better question to be asking here is why we still hold on to astrology as a means of predicting the future. I happen to be a Scorpio, and apparently my overview for today, August 10, 2007, is the following:

Listen to your instincts when you make big decisions today -- they're clearer and more truthful than you would expect. Long deliberations will only cause confusion, so try to act on impulse when possible.

This is by far and away the vaguest thing I've ever heard and I suppose it has to be. Everyone has big decisions, and the way I think today will seem clear because that is how I feel today. Astrology has to talk to millions of people on a given day and provide them with some sort of solace that the future holds prosperity and gives you a guideline on how to attack the future. Being told how to act is inherent to human nature, Milgram taught us this. As far as I'm concerned, Astrology is completely whack, and is just an old tradition that society has clung onto since the old days. If you want an indication of what the future holds, don't bark up this tree.

Another terrible indicator of the future is The Magic 8 Ball. While The Magic 8 Ball is obviously a gag gift, you'd be surprised just how many times people will depend on what this ball comes up with. The 8 ball has its limitations in predicting the future, however. You can only ask it "yes" or "no" questions, and once in a while it won't even give you the answer you're looking for by providing a, "Cannot predict now", "Concentrate and ask again", or even "Reply hazy, try again." These answers will really tick you off when you're really searching for something. There is a great novelty to the Magic 8 Ball as well. If there is ever one lying around, the likelihood is that you'll pick it up and start asking it questions. I think more so than a predictor of the future, it possesses magnetic qualities that draw people in a close vicinity to it. Beware of the Magic 8 Ball. In the event that you ask it, "Should I slug this 300 pound wrestler in the face because he took my parking spot?" more than likely the ball will respond, "As I see it, yes." Only horror stories are the result of this ball. Beware, beware of the Magic 8 Ball!

Perhaps the funniest illegitimate predictor of the future goes to none other than Miss Cleo. Who can forget the ridiculous antics of Miss Cleo. Miss Cleo was a creepy, Jamaican women who had infomercials that aired late at night around July 2001. She suggested that she could offer advice and counseling on whatever matters you needed. Gosh, were we all taken for a ride with this one. For only $0.99/minute, you could get all the answers you were looking for. Here is a sample of one of her commercials:


She would use hocus-pocus magic like her tarot cards and talk people into the fact that she was actually a believable source. The downfall of Miss Cleo wasn't even in the fact that she or the other psychics working for her were probably wrong, but rather that she started to get greedy. She started to deceptively advertise, bill and collect from her customers. The FTC, Federal Trade Commission locked onto this one in a second, and unfortunately for Miss Cleo and her psychic powers, she just wasn't able to see this one coming. Makes ya think doesn't it?

Finally, one of the worst predictors of the future, flipping a standard coin. There must have been over a million times in your life where you've just picked up a coin and said, "Tails I do this and Heads I do that." It's fine, we've all done it, nothing to be ashamed of. However, apparently flipping that coin hasn't been the fairest thing you could do to pick between two particular choices. In a recent study conducted by Harvard University engineers, they have concluded that flipping a coin may have a bias. They attribute the random nature that appears to be the case with flipping a coin to the randomness of the flip performed by the human being. Who would have thought that flipping a coin would have the bias that it does?

The world is filled with a great expanse of illegitimacy . Use your head out there.

This post was originally written by Tyrone Schiff
University of Michigan · Organizational Studies · 10 Aug 2007